In his magnum opus, Likutey Moharan (11:89), Rebbe Nachman offers a very novel approach to finding one’s mate. We present this lesson here with an accompanying prayer to find one’s perfect match, written by Rabbi Nathan.
Rebbe Nachman taught:
Da’at — Knowledge — makes all shiduchim (matches). The constituents of all matches are opposites, and Da’at has the power to unite and bring them together. Therefore, all matches and unions in the world are actually made through the person with the greatest Da’at. (In the Kabbalah, Da’at (Knowledge) is a combination of Chesed (Lovingkindness) and Gevurah (Judgment). Either of these two attributes, Lovingkindness or Judgment, is, by itself, incomplete. One needs a balance in life to know when to use each trait. Sometimes one needs one trait, at other times the other. Still other times, one must temper the Judgment with Lovingkindness or vice-versa. The ability to achieve this balance is Da’at — to know when and how to use each characteristic.)
There are people who find it difficult to find their mate. Many times the two sides are very distant from each other. They are completely the opposite of what their mate expects. To rectify this, one must come to a Tzaddik who is a learned and knowledgeable person, to hear Torah lessons from him. Hearing these teachings will enable the person to find one’s mate.
There are people who are considered to be intelligent and knowledgeable. However, in most cases, their knowledge is only potential knowledge. One must be taught how to apply this knowledge — how to actually use it in real life. When the two sides are very far apart in their views, character traits and understanding, etc., then their Da’at is incomplete. But hearing Torah teachings from one with true Da’at enables their potential knowledge to become actualized. This we see from the verse (Proverbs 2:6), “G-d gives wisdom, from His mouth are knowledge and understanding.” That is, knowledge is revealed through the mouth. Thus, when Torah teachings are revealed from the mouth of the teacher, knowledge is revealed; then, with this knowledge, one can unite and join two sides even though they are total opposites.
Specifically Torah must be sought from the Tzaddik. Why? Because Torah is called the “bride.” “Moses gave us the Torah, it is a heritage to the Jewish nation” (Deuteronomy 33:4). Our Sages teach, “Do not read MoRaShaH (a heritage), but M’oRaSaH (betrothed)” (Pesachim 49b). The Torah also contains different letters and combinations (Zohar, Introduction). The Tzaddik takes ideas and concepts from various parts of the Torah, joining them together, thereby creating his original Torah concepts. Thus, when the Tzaddik speaks Torah, he is making a match, combining and joining different parts of the Torah together.
Therefore, the verse states, “Siftei cohen yishm’ru da’at u’Torah yivakshu mipihu — For the priest’s lips will keep knowledge and Torah shall be sought from his mouth” (Malakhi 2:7). The Tzaddik is the “priest.” We find that the word for a match, ShiYDUCh is the acronym of, “Siftei Cohen Yishm’ru Da’at U’Torah The verse ends, “…shall be sought from his mouth.” To attain one’s shiyduch, one must seek Torah from the Tzaddik’s mouth, in order to actualize Da’at.
We therefore find that the Tzaddik, the one with Da’at, makes shiduchim when he speaks Torah. With this match, a person can begin to find his own match.
People often spend years of their lives meeting person after person, in search of the “perfect” match.
Time after time they find someone who they think is nearly perfect, only to find some little flaw that leads them to break off the relationship and carry on searching. If only people would realize that in any match the two partners are, necessarily, “opposites.” Each one is bound to have ideas and views that at some time in life goes against the grain of the other. The missing ingredient then, for any match to be completed and succeed, is to learn to use one’s Da’at. This is the art of true compromise — finding the proper balance between what really matters and what is trivial, between one’s attainable ideals and the (presently) unattainable and so on. One has to accept the validity of the other’s character traits and points of view even when they conflict with one’s own. The perfect relationship is founded upon using one’s Da’at to bring harmony between opposing viewpoints.
NAVIGATION
1. Selected teachings from Rebbe Nachman’s works to help a person find a mate.
2. The Matchmaker – Likutey Moharan (11:89), Rebbe Nachman offers a very novel approach to finding one’s mate.
4. The Shadchan’s Chair – The mystery of uncovering the true shadchan