Home BRI Women The Prayers of Women

The Prayers of Women

by Yehudis Golshevsky

“Once upon a time, there was a great city, and it was surrounded by an insurmountable and unshakable wall. All of the kings wanted to conquer this city and they tried with all their might, but they did not succeed. Their legions of soldiers fell victim to the arrows shot from the city’s wall.

Later, a very wise king came to examine the wall itself, and he understood that if he would order all of his troops to drive against the wall itself then and there, they could take it down. He did this, and all of his troops fell from exhaustion. The king remained alone.

He walked around the wall to see if it had sustained any damage during the attack and saw in his wisdom that indeed it had; the inner wall was nearly completely collapsed and the outer wall only appeared to still be intact. The king realized that if he were to mobilize even the elderly, the ill and the children, they would topple it completely.

The king did just this. He gathered together all of the women, children and the ill—whoever was left to him—and he went and broke the wall down completely and conquered the city.

Now we have to consider… Who tore down the wall? Those last lagging weaklings? How could it be so—had they tried with all their might for a million years, they would never have been able to make the slightest impression on the wall. We have no choice but to admit that it was only through the combined efforts of all of the earlier warriors who managed to weaken the structure until it was nearly in pieces that the conquest was possible. At the same time, we cannot say that the ones who came first actually conquered the wall because in actual fact it was the weaker ones who came later that tore it down.”

 (Siach Sarfei Kodesh, III:177)

This parable was Reb Nosson’s way of explaining to his students how the redemption will be catalyzed in a generation that is spiritually weaker than its predecessors. We had so many great tzaddikim who came before us who tried with all of the power of their prayers to bring the redemption. How will we manage to do it, if we are sickly and weak compared to them?

I always find Reb Nosson’s insight very encouraging, especially this time of year. We might look at ourselves and suffer from a nagging feeling inside, “Does Hashem really need me to declare Him King? What do my prayers during the high holidays really accomplish?”

The deeper sources teach us that the spiritual work of the period of yamim nora’im—which is considered to extend all the way until Shemini Atzeres—is that of “building Malchus.” Although this is a very deep concept, the way we can understand it practically is that through our prayers we help—in our own way, just like in the parable—to reveal Hashem’s Kingship in the world. We cannot say, “Why should another Shemonah Esrei make a difference?” It makes a difference. Every word of prayer makes a difference, every extra chapter of Tehillim moves the worlds.

Reb Nosson made clear that the main work needed to trigger the redemption has already been accomplished by the tzaddikim of earlier generations. But without our prayers and self-sacrifice for the King, their great work remains incomplete.

Bearing this in mind, we come to the next practical question (and I happen to have a copy of one already sent to me by a woman, which makes my life easier):

“…What are your thoughts on [praying on Rosh Hashanah] versus caring for small children?  I once spent Rosh Hashannah with a lady with many small children (the oldest was maybe 8). She gave them lots of toys and snacks and let them entertain themselves while she slowly made her way through (what seemed to me to be the entire) Machzor. I, on the other hand, was grabbing a rushed Amidah and returning to my baby. It was a real eye opener for me. If my ‘job’ and what the Master of the universe wants from me at this stage of life is to care for my children, to what extent does that free me from prayer? This is not just a halachah question, but how should I ideally be spending my time on Rosh Hashannah? When I try to focus on my prayer I end up feeling resentful towards my children and like a failure on the mothering front and on the praying front. On the other hand, it doesn’t feel right (or like a very inspiring role model) to just do the minimum and play lego and cut up schnitzel all day…”

Here’s my response, and everyone is free to disagree as they like.

The Rebbe said that even though “ones Rachmana patrei”—someone who cannot do a mitzvah is freed from duty—nevertheless one should not let go of one’s desire to do the mitzvah or be satisfied with being freed from obligation. (Likutei Moharan I:66)

For us, the obligation to care for the children overrides the duty to spend a lot of time in prayer. [Note: In terms of the halachic obligations of women and prayer, please consult with your local Orthodox rabbi or a good text on the subject.] Yet we also know that there are moments here and there to steal for Hashem, and when we don’t we have a sinking feeling that something is not right. That’s because we are not supposed to be satisfied with “ones Rachmana patrei.”

So…when my children were all too young for me to go to shul on the high holidays, I prayed at home to whatever extent I could, and that depended on the year, the needs of particular children, etc.

There were times when I could barely get much davening in and I think that there was at least one when I didn’t even get out to hear shofar (someone came to blow for me—three of our children are born in Elul), and there were times when I was able to pray for hours at home, and so on.

Halachic reality [women are freed from time-bound mitzvos] leads me to believe that Hashem wants us to put the children/household first, but to not let go of my desire for holiness. How to do this without making the children feel like second fiddle is challenging. The way I think of it is like this: the children are first, but whatever prayer I can squeeze in is all to the good. I work hard to remember that this balancing is a priori for my circumstance, and that helps to keep me from giving off a feeling of resentment when I am interrupted.

And take heart: the period when all of the children are young ends very quickly. After that, you have more flexibility in terms of time in shul or praying at home. And, believe it or not, one day you can actually go back to spending most of the day praying with the community.

As a final note I will add that, generally speaking, the women who happily go back to praying in shul when the children are old enough are those who kept the fire of their ratzon [desire] burning during the years when they could not get there. This is actually one of the main points of that lesson in Likutei Moharan: when one keeps the fire of ratzon burning, in the end one attains the object of desire. (Spiritually, that is.)

Now, for all of the women who are not at this point in time carrying the load of young children or a household, the situation is different. At every stage, Hashem desires the Divine service that we can offer. The degree to which we exert ourselves for His sake is the arbiter of the value of the avodah. If your circumstances allow you to spend the days in prayer, then this is what you give of yourself. If circumstances prevent it, then you give to Hashem your acceptance of His will and devotion to the task at hand. Either way, we have ample opportunities to serve Hashem with all of our heart, soul, and means at every moment of every day.

Getting closer to the big days! May Hashem have pity on His people, His land, and His world. It’s time to tear down that wall.

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Aviva Shulman September 21, 2011 - 2:19 pm

This was incredibly inspiring. I found the Rebbe’s teaching about “ones Rachmana patrei” to be very moving and enlightening for me. Thank you Yehudis.

Yehudis Golshevsky September 21, 2011 - 2:47 pm

Dear Aviva,
Certainly Rebbe Nachman’s understanding of the words of Chazal is not what you usually hear! Since I know that you can, I recommend that you see the lesson inside…
I hope to send a more personal letter soon; even better, a call.

Michal Ezra September 21, 2011 - 5:30 pm


As always your words are inspiring. I loved Reb Natan’s mashal. May we all merit to find time between the diaper changing, bottle feeding, and children chasing to have kavanah-filled tfilot, and may we use the time Hashem grants us for these tfilot efficiently. I miss your shiurim now that I’m busy with counseling, so an infusion of Rabbeinu once in a while from your blog is invigorating.

All of my love and a ketivah vechatimah tovah.


Yehudis Golshevsky September 22, 2011 - 5:15 am

Michal, I am missing you very much in Shir Hashirim class! But everything in the right time.
Let us also find time in the diaper changing, feeding and chasing children to remember that we are doing mitzvos all the time, chessed all the time–chessed shel emes that no one else would want to do! Mitzvos require kavanah halchically. Meaning, if a person does a mitzvah action without paying attention to the fact that it’s a mitzvah, it’s debatable as to whether he gets the credit.
So we need to keep our heads screwed on right and remember that we care for the children because the King commanded us both to bring them into the world and care for them.

Sharona September 21, 2011 - 6:22 pm

This was such a beautiful piece. A great way to prepare for Rosh Hashana and to realize the importance of our avoda especially during our generation. Thank you so much!

Yehudis Golshevsky September 22, 2011 - 5:16 am

B’simchah–with pleasure!

chaikie September 22, 2011 - 5:51 pm

such a wonderful sharing, thank you. I especially appreciate the teaching from R’ Nosson. I often think about it when thinking about our yearning for moshiach and how far away in holiness that we as a generation are in comparison to the generations from before, how will then merit to bring moshiach. This teaching is powerful in understanding where we are in relation to generations of past and also our responsibility and the part that we can still do to bring geula. Amazing. Thank you

Yehudis Golshevsky September 23, 2011 - 4:27 am

Thank you for the chizuk, Chaikie. I appreciate the positive feedback very much.
A gut gebentsched yohr!

Sarah Nathan September 27, 2011 - 12:03 am

Rebetzen, this is EXACTLY what I needed.
This week I had a huge state test that I could not stop studying for because if I failed, my entire graduate degree would be on hold for another year…and I passed Baruch Hashem. But between that, my grandmother passing away on thursday and getting rafi off to Uman with a sick baby–I have not even had a second to think about rosh hashana. But all I needed was this because now I am so clear what it is I will be doing and not doing on R”H. I love your elegant balance of staying focused and reaching higher–play lego with my son while still desiring to be in shul–and catch very moment of tefillah possible in the machzor and/or in my own words.

Thank you for your words.
Kisiva Vichasima tova and may we all merit redemption this year so that we don’t experience any more pain and instead only share in simcha after simcha….

Abner Attar November 23, 2011 - 2:42 pm

Dear Yehudis,

My daughter is spending a year in Yeroushalaym ,and she’s presently in a seminary, i was wondering if you give regular shiourim for girls on breslov topics,
she will be glad to assist.

Thank you for your response.

Abner Attar November 23, 2011 - 2:43 pm

Please verify that you hsve the correct email adress.

thank you

Joshua September 24, 2013 - 8:48 pm

Wow! I found this deeply inspiring. I am not a woman. I’m not even sure why I read this initially. I suppose I have an interest in gender issues in Judaism. But regardless I am so glad I did. Especially because I feel so inadequate before Hashem and so frustrated with our generation. This broke down many walls for me. It made me feel more like a benoni, someone in the middle than either a failure or some kind of chasid in comparison, God forbid. Thank you and B”H.


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